When crickets attack...

So I try to be a"nature lover" and save the cricket that enters the
house in the wee hours..... Why is a cricket even up at this hour? And
why is he waiting at my door?

So I do my duty to try and save him, capture him and do a "release"
back into the wild.... Or at the very least back onto my porch. Not
because I have a special desire to let more moths in, bur because
someone once told me it was bad luck if I killed a cricket ......

Well so off I go trying to sneak quietly around the house to capture
the green beast ( by beast I mean a smallish size , more than likely a
hyper infant , hence the late hours, or perhaps a dwarfed teen
cricket , which explains the sneaking out. Or rather sneaking in. )
So I am trying to be silent as not to wake up my college age daughter
and her friend , who just drove from NC to surprise me and see my
show. Woot woot.

Live on the main stage.... Tammy ... Tammy to the mainstage.... And
there is the pole... And lord knows , even at my age, I am hanging
onto the stripper hair as long as possible. Until I get to that "short
hair age" not sure what the age is but it happens... Honestly have you
ever seen an old lady with hair to her ass? No I did not think you
had,....

Uh oh all that and wrong stage turns out it isn't my first time as a
stripper on the mainstage ..... It is in fact a comedic performance.
Well come to think of it , it would be comedy either way and perhaps
even more amusing to see me on a stripper pole rather than a mic....
Hopefully both my stand up and strip tease are equally comedic .

So I try to capture the mini cricket . Sneaking up behind it and of
course like with ALL stupid ideas... It attacks. Not the normal I am
gonna jump then hide. But more the I am going to jump and jump and
jump and jump and land on the giant trying to capture me over and
over.... Causing the giant to jump. So now we have me quietly
screaming and jumping. Out of control cricket which I am only saving
because someone told me if I killed a cricket it was bad luck ... I
also don't eat turkey sandwiches for lunch because I have convinced
myself thst I will fall fast asleep if I do....

So jumping noisy lucky cricket , jumping giant screaming
internally .... When I realize it isn't a cricket at all. I look for
Pinocchio or Geppeto and realize it isn't Jimminy at all but a
grasshopper..... So I squished it.... Only bad luck there was for the
grasshopper and the fact I don't drink .... Ha!

Ok no crickets were harmed in the creation of this story ....

T