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Sunday, December 13, 2009

Another Bad Tiger Woods Joke.....

I apologize I just can't help it..... he is all over the news and they keep popping into my head!

Mirror mirror on the wall is Tiger woods even hot at all, If his putter wasn't so straight could he even get a date?? Men all you need is a fat wallet and a wedgie..... sand wedgie.... ok maybe I should stop with the Tiger jokes.... it is sooooo hard =)

So......

Does a model get workman's compensation if she gets a wrinkle??????

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That had to hurt! New meaning to "feels like I'm pissing glass. Time to see a specialist. Or change drinks! Thanks Ed for the photo. This is a real photo we did not stage this. 

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Someone asked me today........

A dear friend that I have known since I was a teen posted this on my facebook status today......

I would love to know your secret for such blissful happiness in the early mornings, Tammy. It takes a few hours until I'm fit for speaking to people! Whatever it is, every morning you make me smile!!


My response..........

Ahhh ancient Japanese secret..... O no secret I am just really thankful for everything and everyone amazing in my life....... even on THE worst of days, with the worst of luck, I know that I am so freakin fortunate to have such a strong support system, plus generally as with all MPD folks the "Hazel" voice comes out to talk.... Just kidding! No voices..... well none named Hazel ;o)

Plus I know I have one more good day to suck air HA!

This was not part of the post just some additional thoughts.....

As you know I have the worst luck ever..... but it always brings the best things to me....... I could not be more pleased with the way things turn out most of the time..... even when it may seem bleak to others..... =)

I love my daughter, my family, my friends and my fans!!

Keep watching!! I have a news update and the best is yet to come!!!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Ahhh So happy I still got it...... Nothing more flattering.....

Ahhh So happy I still got it...... Nothing more flattering.....

So I get to pick up my daughter tonight back from college..... woot woot, nothing more exciting!!<---- that I really mean I miss her soooooo much!! She chooses to meet me at the Varsity (She lost her keys and hitched a ride with a college friend, a whole different story) yes the Downtown Atlanta Varsity..... the one with lots of parking and plenty of homeless dudes.......

So I am approached, as we are gathering her things and putting them in my car, by a man who "just wants something to eat"...... well of course I never finish anything I order, and had a WHOLE order of Onion rings and a chili cheese steak that had NOT been touched..... I said "Here I have food" He says (and I kind you not he really said this..) "What do you have??" Really ??? I mean if I was begging for food I would not be picky.... I would be grateful...... yea yea you know.... he wanted money...

Who has money these days?? I am waititng for the day when I tell them I don't have any cash and they pull out a keypad and ask me for my pin....

Ok So I tell him I don't have any cash .... he says Anything, change".... Ok so I dig in the cup holder for about thirty- five cents..... as I do this... OH YES this totally happened.... he says....

"Hey Shorty those your kids??? You gotcha yo self a fine a@@ mmmm hmmm. " Sho don't look like a sexy woman...... "I'm not even going to continue with the banter that I so politely tried to ignore!!

Really?? Did the guy asking me for change j and my leftovers just try to get with me??? Hmmmm so is our first date a dumpster dive?? And when I sleep over do I bring my own box or will he share his????????

So at forty I at the very least know that I have still GOT IT.... at the very least with the man on the corner.... See ladies there is no reason to stay in that relationship...... there is a new man on every corner... Literally, just bring a cheeseburger and some spare change....

Hey Shorty you look so good to me!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Fun fun fun Traffic and the Holidays! Just a thought!

I think during the holidays it should be legal to make some of the car lights green. So traffic is a festive happy place =)

I tried to start a "horn" rendition of jingle bells but I couldn't get anyone to honk along or in tune........ Maybe I should tape sheet music to the side of my vehicle...

I did however get quite a few festive one finger waves..... I just don't think they are much in the holiday spirit.... oh wait I get it... "The Bird" symbolizing Thanksgiving.... awww how sweet of them!!

Friday, November 13, 2009

What am I up to??? Where is the PARTY???

Hmmmm

Well a little disclaimer...... not sure if this will be funny, but just a streaming bunch of thoughts to kind of get you up to date!!

Who am I?? A forty year old empty nester that has discovered, rediscovered and is discovering life all over again at 40!!

What I discovered??
In the past year or so, ah give or take a couple..... I found a group of friends that just wants things to do!! Maybe mostly me but I think we are all having a great time=) Anywho, I have an amazing network of friends, very few business associates and a bazillion invites daily to all different kinds of events...... Let me regress back to business associates..... I say I have very few, because I don't much like to do "business" with someone I can't call friend..... My friends take care of me, and I hope I can take care of them... so that's what I mean by that!!

Ok now back to my purpose and where's the party......

Like I said I get lots of invites and I LOVE going to everything I can..... love planning events, hanging out in bars, listening to music.... dancing, talking and laughing, BUT most of the events have been geared towards the "younger set" (only in age mind you) So I wanted to make a forum for my age group.... the eighties babies and a little each way the grads from the 70's, 80's and early nineties. Parties and events where we can all hang together...... so my goal is to create lists of places, where we can have fun, meet different folks and have an amazing time..... Plus plan a few.....

I'm creating a website.... although I need LOTS of help.... =) That will have all the funny stuff, plus a directory of venues...... what I think of em....... and start planning events...

The first will be local to my old stomping ground.... A "Rock and Roll reunion"... stay tuned should be a BLAST!!

The sky is the limit..... let the good times begin!!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

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Ok so I don't really care how hot you are you can't pull off the gold shiny pants. I'm more than a little worried that they are being mass produced and sold at my local mall. Ever heard the phrase just because it comes in your size doesn.t mean you should wear it ? Ok well gold (or and for you silver fans you can get those too) pants in any size don't make sense. I have to admit as I tried mine on I was oddly amused at the nugget "gold" effect my rear and thighs produced. Now that's hot. And I remember how popular nugget rings were in the eighties. Hmmm maybe I am on to something. I think I'll go back and get a pair. Plus if their is a solid gold reunion I don't want to be fighting over them. Now where can I find a polyester knit one shoulder dress. And baby if you'll put on the white leisure suit it is on !

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Whale Love...... Nuff Said...

Ok yes...... my mind wanders...... and my luck is always so good with ridiculous timing...... I would play the lottery but I think my chances of finding the random in life is much more likely...... The Georgia Aquarium!!

No the music wasn't playing in the background..... I did in fact add it.......

Sunday, October 18, 2009

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Safety first. Need I say more ? Thanks to Tom for this one =)

Mirror Mirror on the wall.....Beyond the Stall...

Mirror mirror on the wall why is my nose to the left and my eye so small? What is the point ? I am here to tell you DUCT TAPE DOES NOT IN FACT FIX EVERYTHING. I had no clue what this was had to have a friend help figure it out. A frankie submission. =) gotta love a kid who takes her moms shi% so seriously. She makes me proud .

To Clean or Not to Clean........ well no real question here...... evidently Not!

Please notice that this particular establishment DOES in fact have cleaning supplies. WOW really ? My next installment will include video as I distribute instructions on HOW to properly maintain a bathroom. This pic was sent to me from my darling daughter as she traveled to Savannah. Take note of the next couple of pics. All from the same place. Warning totally disgusting and real.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

So what is this all about??? the Worst of Anything???? What the hey hey......

Hmmmmmm..... very interesting you might ask.... ok so maybe you didn't ask but I figured Lucy better get to explaining...... NO I am not Lucy and for all of you old enough you may have gotten that for the I Love Lucy Show back in the day........ ahhh how I love that woman.... "LUCY you got some splainin' to do!!!!!!"

The Worst of Anything or WOA (pronounced WHOOOOOAAAAA!! HA!) Is something that has been in my head for years and recent events made me realize it is time to take chances, share the laughter and begin another journey!! Ok and beginning another journey doesn't mean the old one will end...... it just means adding to it, reinventing myself and sharing what I see and how it gets interpreted in my brain........ My own personal tragic comedy........ not so tragic but lots of comedy!!

How I set this up...... I am SOOOOOO green to blogging so bear with me, I am trying to make it as easy to navigate as possible...... I figured the Worst of Anything is the main page and I am putting the ASIDES..... the stories off to the side in the link thingy......

I just thought posting EVERY Single thought in my head.... past, present and future would be a bit much all on one page...... The stories are real...... I don't think they are embellished...... just the translation from what is in my head..... this should make for a VERY interesting experience.....

NOTE: STAY Tuned for the pictures and the tour "Beyond the Stall" .... a guide to Public RR's Nationwide...... and the miscellaneous and ridiculous findings along the way..... have you seen the cheeze it? Time to take America by storm ..... dive by dive.... stay tuned for the next segment....... The Ritz with an S has not met Carlton, and I am sure my mint on the pillow has been licked..........

Of course I have no way to finance this endeavor....... but I am working on it ;o) Come along for the laughs as the Journey begins..... and the past is revisited!!

hmmmmmm... how does this work...

Ok so be patient with me folks...... still trying to figure the blogging out..... is it a continuation or a new post?? I have a title.... and I just want to add to it.........

Radio Shack still has me tuned to AM..... ALWAYS MAD.. Customer Service at it's finest!

Funny how the strangest things can turn you into the crazy lady at the mall........... well that's what my daughter called it...........The cell phone that never was (sub title).

SO the reason this even came to mind......... I NEED a NEW phone.... no I don't just want one I really need one, and although I am supposedly technologically savvy I truly do hate having to figure out all those "Special Features" on the phone(most of which I still haven't explored). BUT I finally decided it was time. So after talking to several friends looking and looking and looking and did I mention looking I finally decided on the mother of all gadget phones..... the IPhone.

Did you know yo can tune your guitar with an IPhone app? Not that I would ever have a reason to tune a guitar since I don't play, however knowing that I have the capability to do an emergency tuning was very appealing..... anyway I'm off topic.

So where was I yes the amazing Apple IPhone, ok these guys really out did themselves. So I am at the Apple website checking "the availability in my area" when I get the it is going to cost you your first born child and a kidney message...... "your phone is not eligible for upgrade". What? I ask myself. How can that be?

Thinking thinking thing....... I ordinarily ALWAYS buy my phones in case I ever want to break up with Cingular... oh excuse me AT & T....... although I will never leave them, they are truly the longest relationship I have ever had, but being the true commitment phobI am..... I just want the option of leaving.... you know just in case someone else catches my eye.... I mean a different carrier has a deal I just can't pass up. It is a love hate relationship......... I guess they all are really, so even when times are bad..... I stay...

Ok so back to the Kidney message. I remember getting my daughter a new phone. AND AGAIN... I needed one, mine had arthritis seemed to never want to work when it rained, that is totally true.... folks I cannot make this stuff up! So I got all excited with her fancy smanchy touch screen and opted for one myself..... and I decided to take the commitment plunge.... yes I married AT & T and I have to say although not as fancy as a real wedding it took just as long.....

Oh let me tell you how Radio Shack figures into all of this..... turns out we had looked all over for the particular phone my teen unit wanted and they were all sold out...... happened to be at the mall and saw the Radio Shack display of cell phones..... Imagine my excitement!! Woot Woot! I get to spend money I don't have paying a bill I can't afford so my daughter can have a new phone so that she is in CONSTANT contact will all the important folks in her life. I mean I wouldn't want her to miss and appointment or that big meeting......... oh WAIT.... no big meetings, just gobs of forwarded jokes and the incessant texting...... please don't forward I'm an angel to me and ask me to send it to 10 other angels I know..... Honestly I'm 40 years old and I don't know any angels.... NOT one.... well I do know someone named Angel.... Is that what they mean?? Who knows ten folks named Angel????????????? Off topic again.... back to Radio Shack!

How many times have I heard, read or said "If it's too good to be true it probably is?" Well it is..... and remind me of that the next time I see a deal....... Just because eggs are on sale 10 cartons for a buck DOES NOT mean I should buy ten cartons of eggs..... I don't even cook and I would not know the first thing about what to do with an egg, except try to return it to its poor mother...... yes bleeding heart....

So all of the prices in Radio Shack are MUCH lower than anywhere else we had gone and they had the phone so abracadabra POOF my daughter has the new Touch screen phone.... the coolest kid around..... oh and her mom (me) got one too.....my feeble attempt at coolness I suppose.

Ok so two days later and a blood transfusion ( I exaggerate but boy it sure takes a long time to get a new phone...... I'm an existing customer, if you can make a phone I can touch to dial and talk out loud to dial can't you just hit the she decided to finally marry you button and I'll be on my way?) I have my new cool touch phone and realize....... I evidently "Don't have the right touch". I could never call or text anybody in my address book past the letter T. Not sure why, it wasn't the phone my daughter could do it...... I just couldn't make it work.... So off to annul my nuptials, the salesman at Radio Shack assured me I had 30 days so off I went.

Actually it wasn't to hard, except I seemed to be really annoying the manager, he offered me every phone in the store, as I kept saying NO...... finally he wore me down...... ahhh I see a pattern here..... this is how ALL of my terrible relationships start..... NO NO NO NO NO, then ok I'll try it.... we date for a while and then I can't get rid of them..... So he talks me into the most ANCIENT model on the floor..... heck the screen even looked old. I NEVER used it NOT ONCE, NOT ONE call or text from this pretty yet useless red phone.

SOOOOOO I took it back..... first time went smoothly, surely the second time would too...... OH NO...... this is where the crazy lady in the mall part comes in...... Unfortunately my daughter was a witness to this, and you'll have to ask her what I said, and how I was flailing about, but as it was happening it seemed completly sane to me..... evidently not judging form my daughter and the small crowd.... although I knew something was a miss when I looked at my daughters face.... and the fact that she had stepped away from me and the counter.

Evidently I was NOT within my 30 days anymore...... they started counting in a different spot than I did....... I really was livid.... I have a phone I don't want, A phone I NEVER wanted and NOW NOT ONLY do I have to stay married to it for at a minimum of TWO long years, but I can't even swap it for a cooler model.... Are you kidding me??

Ok well I was in NO way having that..... I calmly explained the insanity of the situation to the manager (Calmy of course meaning hissy fit/ temper tantrum). I, in retrospect, am quite impressed he held his ground.... At this point I did what all the crazy ladies in the mall do (you know the ones returning the tennis shoes that the tread is completely worn down..... or returning the Champagne colored cocktail dress that they shouldn't have been drinking red wine while wearing it in the first place.... all the while screaming at the helpless sales girl "THE TAG IS STILL ON IT") I DEMANDED to have the NUMBER of his manager...... oh yea THE DISTRICT manager muah ha ha ha ha ha ha!! And it worked!! By george I knew I was right... I called the district manager right in from of the Radio Shack in the mall manager, explained the situation to him and he asked to speak with the Radio Shack Mall Bully and low and behold... The annulment was complete..... I was back to my arthritic phone (which I had been using the whole time anyway) and I was satisfied...... oh so satisfied......

AND THEN..... dum dum dum... you knew that was coming... surely you did.....

I once again decide to go phone shopping, about a month or two after the Radio Shack "incident"....... my daughter is afraid that if she has an emergency and it is raining she won't be able to get in touch with me..... well she was right....

So I am not going to that Radio Shack NO way!! I go directly to the Cingular.... DARN AT & T store sorry...... pick out the cutest green phone... with a touch screen AND key pad, just in case I need to get in touch with any of those folks past the letter T. The sweet young man is ever so patient with me.... I had to try them all.... and he had to laugh when he realized my fingers REALLY don't make the screen work.... still no explanation..... I just don't have the touch.... hmmmm.....

We go to the counter, he pulls up my account and says............

"you can't have this phone ma'am.... your still under contract for a phone you bought a month ago.....

WHAT???? Are you kidding me? The mall guy got me back.... jerk... he said it would take 24 hours.... what he meant was 24 months.... wait I am getting ahead of myself.

I explain what happened to the young man at At & T... he asked for the receipts, and believe it or not I still had them IN MY CAR WOOT WOOT!!! He tolded me he would get it all fixed and to come back in 72 hours........ I did not come back in 72 hours.......... I should have come back in 72 hours. Instead I called the insurance for the phone that I had been paying for the last one million years and filed a claim.... and they sent me a BRAND new version of my little arthritic phone.... I was so happy... so very happy..... BUT

Like with all my phones, the shelf life is only about a year and then things seem to go wrong. I was going to just call the warranty and get a new one, but I decided to take the Plunge AGAIN..... one more time.... saying I DO to my longtime partner.... AT & T.....

As you can guess from the beginning of the story...... AT & T did not get it resolved...... so I called, the sweet young lady was very apologetic and told me I would have to contact RADIO SHACK AGHHHHH from a YEAR AND A HALF ago............. Are you kidding?? I have to do it all over again? this time without the receipts???? Not at all upset with AT & T but I am LIVID with Radio Shack and their manager..............

I haven't called yet....... or gone by BUT I will and then you'll have the rest of the story....

Radio Shack still has me tuned to AM (Always Mad) Can bad customer service really last a year and a half?????????????????

I have to say I am not at all surprised that so many of the stores are closing....... not a bit!!

to be continued