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Thursday, April 8, 2010

Facebook, Saturday Night Live and the Miracle of Victoria's Secret!

In response to a Facebook Post on the Worst of Anything Fan Site.... I decided to turn it into a blog... I realized my answer got a little long winded as I started to realize..... well read on........

Original Post went something like this....

Worst of Anything! Just watched a commercial that explained 1 out of 4 women cannot read their pregnancy test..... I am thinking she should use protection and eliminate that gene pool :)

First responses were ( remember this is a facebook thread gone awry HA!)A bunch of thumbs ups for "Like" No need for an unlike button.... remember if you can't say anything nice well then say nothing at all!

Next response ( Visit this Blog HILARIOUS!!) from Cheese in My Hair (No that isn't her name,and she didn't pay me to do that, just click on the link.. geez)

Next Response (This one is going to be link less, If you really want to know who she is well you would have already known because you would have clicked on the first link and well yes, you aren't perhaps that one out of four are you? Probably not if you got that! JUST KIDDING!) Moving right along : that is hilarious. dare i mention the infomercials i saw at 4am when i was unable to sleep. one called colon flow (made me think of colon blow ad on SNL that Phil Hartman used to do) and told how much poop weighs if you don't go to the bathroom more than once a day. omg. another one was on a Spanish channel and had to do with a tummy slimming ... See Moredevice that apparently made all your fat move up to your boobs because all those women on the ad were at least DD and of course young and hot. but for $14.99 i was actually willing to give it a try.

And yes that comment my friends is what inspired the next few bits of chatter from my mind... ;o)

I am certainly all for the Tummy to the top concept, and as always Victoria's Secret beat them to it! YEP! Victoria Secret already did it for me for about $50 bucks before coupons and "boob bucks"Not really what they are called but I find it hard to refer to them as Angel bucks, because well being Angelic is really a little far off the target now isn't it? Especially when talking about skin, cleavage and deception...now I am not sure a real Angel's take on skin and cleavage, but I am pretty sure they aren't about deception. Even the Victoria's Secret models aren't deceptive... they really are that hot, AND thank goodness for that or we couldn't get significant others to shell out that kind of dough for something so small. They are simply BRILLIANT when it comes to fulfilling a woman's needs. Not only have they devised extraordinary little devices to make us feel sexy and beautiful, but they do things to us that nature never intended, and for a lot less than augmentation.


And even better than the product!!! Well the Einstein's in their marketing department came up with sending out a bazillion catalogs and yes the MOTHER of all tools "The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show" They only time a woman will sit with her significant other for an hour and watch half naked women parade around to the sounds of Seal, with a little Heidi Klum mixed in. Why do we do this ladies? Because we know First of all that the chances of our man ever getting any further than the couch to a Victoria's Secret Angel is well about as likely as Johnny Depp swinging through my living room with nothing but a pirates hat. (or on a more somber note that I am ever going to work that cute little leopard print thong like the hot blond bouncing down the runway. But hey if they can dream that they have a chance, well I can dream I have a chance. So like any great relationship you both pretend and fantasize about something that isn't. (Just kidding that is certainly not the basis for a good relationship..... read on we know the best way to snag a man and keep him) Ok and for the second and BIGGEST reason (OK admit this to yourself you know it is true)if we let our men (even encourage them)(Oh and don't be fooled if they say they aren't interested of would rather watch the game, they wouldn't. I assure you, but it goes in with the deception again ha. See ladies it goes full circle so no need to feel any guilt in the end) Let me restart this sentence... we encourage them to be by our side watching tiny little supermodels parade around for an hour and the luxury of letting them check the mail first throughout the year, well because then they are obligated to buy us one of those cute little numbers and a few more matching and highly priced (BUT COMPLETELY worth it) tiny panties and A to a D bras. Right??? Well of course..... oh and now The deception of an Angel.

Angel Rewards cards they call them, for being a loyal customer. Really just a way of telling whoever looks at them how much you spent on under pants. Really should be boob bucks.....

Oh yes I admit to the deception, Why do women keep the lights off? It isn't because we are ashamed of our bodies........ dum dum dum dum (yes my rendition of ominous suspense music, lame huh, well too bad, you don't seriously want me to figure out how to dub music into a book do you? Or a blog rather. Although I suppose it could be done these days and hmmm possibly encourage reading again. However if you are reading this you really don't need a speech about the importance of reading you obviously made it this far, I am guessing you are one of the three that can in fact read the pregnancy test! Whew!
Again let me refresh your memory..... why are the lights off??? It is simply because we lied, (oh yes I included you in my little tale of vanity deception, you know you did it or do it, maybe not to the extent I need to but well, you probably have more to work with, it doesn't take much. Yes sad, sigh! Remind me to tell you the Valentine's day story.... oh wait you can't remind me can you? I'll try to add it at the end, or i suppose you could comment to remind me. I get a bit off track sometimes.

So YES the lights are off because you deceive.... I deceive, it is truly with the best of intentions though, which may in fact explain why they can call them Angel rewards!!! I totally get it know. Angels are rewarded for going to such lengths to make our partners happy.... HA!! Do you buy that?? If you do I will be more than happy to repeat it. I like the way it sounds, convincing myself!!

Ok so my lights are off...... because honestly.... ahem ahem.....I am not a C or a D cup, barely an A and my waist isn't 12inches, nor am I really wearing the thigh highs I talked about as I flirted with my man at dinner....What is really going on under my blouse is the original thigh master, a cleverly devised apparatus by VS that not only increases 1 to 3+++++ cup sizes, but also gives the illusion of cleavage,yes ILLUSION. How does one create such a believable illusion? Well I hate to be the magician giving away the secret to their trick, but..... There is only truly ONE way to get an illusion of that MAGNITUDE it can only be managed of course by having a bra that starts somewhere where their is some excess "cleavage" so to speak and that would mean the pushing UP has to start at my thighs thighs... yes that's right,it is THE thighmaster,but they couldn't call it that because our favorite Three's company character. Chrissy or by her professional grown up name Suzanne Somers already coined (STOLE) the phrase for that horrid torture device she called the Thighmaster. A giant Document clip that fit uncomfortable between your legs and if you manage to withstand the torture to the knees long enough to even make it through one instance of the supposed "easy" exercise. I watched threes company, I saw Suzanne's award winning acting skills on the show. I am guessing she didn't get her excercise from the "Thighmaster" at lest not the mechanical Gem clip version she was peddling in the wee hours of the night in some of the first "INFO" mercials. It is all making sense now. "Thighmaster" ..... "Middle of the Night"..... yep there you have it folks, the reason for middle of the night infomercials is a girl who made her living off her thighs in the middle of the night. Again not probably having to reach too much to get into character... ahem! (Ok I didn't mean that... I love you Crissy, it just all fit together pretty funny) Oh wait, why am I making nice with Chrissy from three's company? I seriously doubt she's gonna find out about this. And certainly she can't be too angry... it really isn't that big of a stretch, and it really does seem to fit............ hmmm you be the judge.... who am I, but a mere Angel.....sign... who gets rewarded I might add, it may be for simply purchasing A LOT of drawers, but it is a good deed, in fact for someone.

Honestly, I am going to blame Suzanne Somers 100% for infomercials!! Which is more annoying? Her introducing us to the dark late night world of costly fictional products, that don't do anything they say, with literally all night miracle sales pitches.... Or the rainbow lines of yesteryear with the sweet monotone buzz? What I think this is..... IS a whole different topic)

So back to the Boob bucks or rather Angel Rewards! Maybe I am no angel, to some folks, but I am to Mother Victoria (Theresa? not so sure, although she did have a habit..... bah ha ha, yeah really bad joke!). There is that whole deception thing, too. And now on top of it I let down all the ladies by letting "my little secret out" . Please accept my sincerest apology about giving up the secret of Thigh Master Push Up , yes I may have outed all the A cup ladies, so I won't divulge the secret behind what I call "thigh highs", not yet!!

On a positive note:
My cleavage success is no longer a secret......It is a FACT that my push up bra could not possibly manage turning an A into a D with the 3 size cup explosion or excessive cleavage display if it didn't start below the waist. Ha you may laugh that I had to go to such extremes to get to this voluptuous point and I am sure the men are rolling but it is with great satisfaction that I know sweet man is pondering attending to my cleavage with those sweet kisses in the dark....... well he is really just dreaming about kissing my ass......... it is a little pricier than the 14.99 model however.......

2 comments:

  1. Tammy, you crack me up! We work our butts off in school striving for that A. In reality the last thing any girl wants is to have an "A" in anything.

    Dont'cha love that pose we all do lying on our stomachs, propped up on our forearms. This is a twofold move, illusion of cleavage and stomach is hidden from view =)

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  2. I'm doing it right now..... where is that web cam=)

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